Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

felt that

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Oh yeh? Explain this then

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.

His name is Dave.

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Me: And for my third wish…

Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?

Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.

Reminder:

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up