Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
You Might Also Like
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting