Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie