Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.