Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
You Might Also Like
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.