Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– Poetry

Things that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

2023 was just a warmup

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.