maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
You Might Also Like
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Left at a local drug store…
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*puts cutlery down*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
This headline is a thing of beauty
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.