maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Tuesday
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.