Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises