Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it


Sometimes when I say “I’m OK”, what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say “You’re not OK” and hand me $10,000.


If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately


For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.


if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy


My tombstone will read: If You Don’t Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.


DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era

ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*


casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet


A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha