Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
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Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.