Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?