Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
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Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
