Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

PLOT TWIST:

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.