Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.