Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

Where is your GOD now????

FRED: right

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture

Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.