Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
#MeanwhileinCanada
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
So creative 😂
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.