Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.