Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.