Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

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When I was 20, I interviewed to harvest llama wool and showed up with a vegetable peeler. I was maybe drunk

I can’t even make this up



Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious


If Mary gave birth to Jesus & Jesus is the lamb of God, then did Mary have a little lamb?


Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒


Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.


Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..


boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift


“I feel like a failure, doc. I’ve got 5 boys and they ALL work as hotel valets”
“Wow this is the worst case of parking sons I’ve ever seen!”


Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep