Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad