Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
You Might Also Like
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
This probably isn’t good
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar