Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.
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Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”