Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!