Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
peeping toms
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Cheer up.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??