Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
When I snag the last meatball.
I love this❤️😁👍
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up