this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh