Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
File under excellent bookstore names.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
I wish gyms had a “montage” option