Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
OKAY DAD
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.