Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.