Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
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when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate