Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
You Might Also Like
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED