@F5X11

Maybe I’m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule

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@david8hughes

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

@elle91

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

@BoomBoomBetty

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

@MRagaab

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@HaliPhacks

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

@rolldiggity

1. Cover elevator floor with glue.
2. Put ring on floor.
3. Wait for someone to kneel and get stuck.
4. “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!”

@pissrifle

this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*