My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.