Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

buying dead houseplants to save time

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

My fantasy football season is going great

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”