Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

problems i need

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.