Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
WTF IS THAT!
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like