Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

I wish this was real life…

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Yup