Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Confused owl: What?!
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.