Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”