Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805