Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Did…did a minotaur write this
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes