Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Brain: Don’t do it.
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-
“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,
Patient: My name’s not Ted.
Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did