@JohnLyonTweets

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

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@prufrockluvsong

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@NourHadidi

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

@ObscureGent

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

@GeauxSaints79

I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”

@AbbieEvansXO

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

@UncleDuke1969

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@drhappyknuckles

Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

@abbycohenwl

Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you

Me: I didn’t call you

Demon: I did