Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
BaD BoY!!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say