Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
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You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
The days of good grammer has went
oh my gosh!!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words