Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.