Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

cats when you pet them too long:

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

This a good idea

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

thoughts?

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation