Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise

Perfect

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

*looks at phone to check the time

*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”

#SixWordHorror