Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.