Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
79.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework