Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls