Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free