Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
This is enough internet for the day.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner