[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”
Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*
“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”
ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”
Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.