Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

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[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-



“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”


RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild


If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂


[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans




Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.


My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.


Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.


“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”


Any man can undress a woman with his eyes. Be different. Undress her with your nose.