Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
“What?”
– Jude