Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I’m a self-made hundredaire
A short story of betrayal:
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Sticker placement is key.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter