maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.