maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
checking out some reviews of my local library
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
When ur friends with white people
