maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
yall want some gasoline milk
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy