Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.

[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”

My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?