Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

Wasps: bees, but not helping

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.