Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because you like me

Cop: omg shut up I do not

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house