Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”