Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
You Might Also Like
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
The United Steaks of America
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call