Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
