Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.