Maybe jesus needs me in his life
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”