Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.