Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My son wasn鈥檛 listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Ladies, if you鈥檙e looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather鈥檚 business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don鈥檛 have to go to a party
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Ghost costume 馃槀
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.