Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
haha same
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
my one true gender
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.