Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat