Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
You Might Also Like
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie