Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
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cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.