@BeagirlNJ

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”

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@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@MethShart

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

@DearAuntAbby

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

@C_Effin_Rex

Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.

@MomofTeen

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

@shesananteater

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

@ibid78

Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.

@Megatronic13

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE