@BeagirlNJ

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”

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@LeftBlank___

She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”

I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.

@c12h22o11balls

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

@vonTraphaus

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@astutenewf

13: Dad, What’s detour mean?

Me: Get a dictionary and look up tampon.

@Jenny4ashley

My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.

@GeorgeTakei

Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”

@ThaJawn

Nice horse!

“It is a race horse”

Sorry, I don’t see race

@AndyAsAdjective

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter