Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”

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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.


Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.


Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.


Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.


HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.


[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here


Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then


It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth