I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”
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*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Helping 21 with her finances.
21: How’s my credit?
Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE