it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
dutch so unserious
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?