@BeagirlNJ

Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma’am without adding, “You’re making a scene”

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@JohnLyonTweets

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

@qwertying

Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too.

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

@theevilwriter

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

@realbjdunne

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

@T_N_Crumpets

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

@dorsalstream

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@KandyKoehn

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth