I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Just had my nails done!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.