Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
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Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
