Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.