Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
an airline just for babies.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings