Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?