Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

Geez man, take it easy.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.